The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The feeling are messing with the penis
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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