i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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