i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
