god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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