just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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