soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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