Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
