eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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