I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Drunk is a universal language darling
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
