btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
