I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
