Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
