he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
