Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
