I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
