Im at strip club and am horny
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
