i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
