Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
