Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
