Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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