I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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