so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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Semen is not good for contacts.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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