I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
