why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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