he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
