I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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