I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
