Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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