i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
