My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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