Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
