i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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