6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
