I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this boner is exhausting
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
