For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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