I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
