I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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