I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
