like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
