I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
