The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
