my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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