i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
