Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
