I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
