Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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