I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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