When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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