i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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