Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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