TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
