the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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