made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
