I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
