Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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