i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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