every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
