Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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