Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
