Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
